‘Whoah, you look amazing and slim, you’ve lost so much weight’, ‘Why don’t your order *insert random junk food*, do you have an eating disorder or something’. These are some of the comments I’ve received over that last few days. The  first was at my grandma’s cremation and the second one at work. Both of them hurt…

Because:

  1. Yes, I’ve lost over 20 kilo’s in the last few years.
  2. No, I don’t have an eating disorder, I just don’t like stuffing my face with fried food and other unhealthy things (this evening they where ordering sandwiches with fries on them…. I mean really).

I’m not sure what I want with this post and I may even remove it later, but I want to get this out of my system for now.

A few years ago I weight a little over 70 kilo’s, since I’m only 1,63m that would be considerd overweight (BMI 27). Today, my weight has gone down to 51 kilo’s (BMI (19) and my % of fat is even lower because I still have a lot of muscle from work-outs and my current job. And even though I was glad I lost some of those 20 kilo’s, because I really wanted to lose some weight, I don’t like how my body looks now.

Today I was confronted with my body in the mirror in a way that made me feel sad about how I look. I may have a nice waist, but I’m losing the curves I had 5 kilo’s ago, and don’t get me started about my boobs…. I had a breast reduction when I was 17, so my boobs weren’t that firm anymore because of the weight and because they didn’t lift them during surgery. But now they look like the boobs of an 80-year old… I’ve even started thinking about buying bra’s without wires because the keep moving up…

People tell me I should not complain, so I even feel guilty while writing this post. Because who wouldn’t want to wear a size S right? And there are girls with eating disorders who are in even worst shape then I am…

But I no longer love my body. I feel bones sticking out in my back and collarbone, my hips hurt when I bump into something because I have hardly any fat. When I have a cut on my hands it taks forever to heal, my skin looks dry and flaky. My hair falls out and my stomach and head hurt a lot.

The reasons for this are simple, I don’t feel to great about my life at the moment. I’ve been doing a job that doesn’t ‘spark joy’ to me, which is physically heavy (lifting, walking) and doesn’t challenge me in any way. And for someone with a need to be challenged a lot and loves a job where I have to do a lot of things at once, set my own priorities and make my own choices, you can see how that is a problem.

I’m just scared right now and I wonder how much longer I can do this before my mind and body give up. I may have an interview for a job coming up and I feel like it’s one of my last chances I’m gonna get for a long time… This will be an office job, so hopefully I’ll gain some of the weight back that I’ve lost over the last 6 months. And hopefully I’ll feel better about myself again, no longer bothering people around me with my sad face and unhealthy looks…

Thank you for reading this. I hope I didn’t ruin your Sunday…